Tuesday, January 26, 2010

In case you hadn't heard...

Jake is looking for love.   He's looking to find a wife, and he's very confident that one of these ladies is the one.  As evidenced by his overuse of the word "neat" to describe what a "swell" time he's been having on each date.  Really.


Ok, so at least it's getting better.  He's still so damn boring, but I like that he has conviction.  This week was awkward once again, to say the least.  Is it just me or is this Bachelor season gearing up for the Most Uncomfortable Moments in Reality TV award??

Valk missed the first hour, so let's see if I can remember.  Hmmm, Road trip!!  Ugh, I hate road trips.   I get super duper carsick unless I'm driving and I really hate being in small spaces.  They were so excited to get out of the mansion to spend an undetermined amount of time stuck smelling each other's bowel movements with women who are all "fixing" to bone the man they each want to marry?  Yeah.  These girls aren't too bright. 

So they aren't ever returning to the Mansion.  I kept wondering if it was because the sponsors were so pissed that Jake and his Busted Crew are so freaking lame that they've pulled advertising revenue and the producers were forced to end the lease early.  Really, this is how my brain works.  *sigh*

Alright, their first stop was in some vineyard.  Very pretty.  And Jake's tent is up the street from the RVs?  Anyone wondering why one of them wouldn't sneak out in the middle of the night and just go climb in the tent? 

During all this, Vienna keeps telling the camera how she feels bad for all these girls since she knows she's The One.  And how they're all so sad to be vying for Her Boyfriend. She's annoying.  And looks like she got punched in the face and the doctors never were able to set her nose back properly. 

The first date is a one on one? I can't remember.  It was Gia.  Gia is so pretty.  But she has this lisp.  I keep looking at her and diagnosing her with a tongue tie.  I want to speak to her mother and see how nursing went for them because she either a) has a tongue tie or b) wore a retainer and braces for such a long, long time that her mouth is used to operating with something in it.  Hahaha, so many potential jokes right, so many.

Vienna was convinced she would be going home because "she's this New Yorker and Jake is all about the outdoors.  She's so not for him.  I'm for him."   I swear, that's what she said.  So what if she's urban chic?  Don't be hating on the swim model you Fight Club Graduate!

I liked them together.  Gia's sweet.  And wow, what a surprise that Jake was in 11th grade before he got kissed.  No.Freaking.Way, Jake!  And here we all thought you were as smooth as a baby's ass.  What was up with that awkward game of Spin the Bottle?  Is that how you play???  Lame-O!

So he gave her a rose.  yay!!

Date Number 2 was a Group Date.  Oh man, he said the cheesiest freaking thing and I cannot remember what it was.  And when he said it, I said, "OH MY GOD that was CHEESY!  I *must* remember!!".  A lot of good that did me.  All the girls except for Gia, Ella and Kathryn went on the date.  And they went dune buggying.  And sandboarding.  Looked like fun.  Except for all the sand in the nose.  That's not so fun.  Then they went to this hotel "where all the celebrities go!".  And some dumb fucking chic actually said, "we must be so special to him, because he took us to this great hotel WHERE ALL THE CELEBRITIES GO!".  Pathetic much?  Of course, I can't remember the name of the place either, but it's the second time I've seen it.  The first time was on The Girls Next Door.  It was the same hotel they took Bridget's sister to for her 21st birthday.  And it is tah-ckay!  with a capital TAH!  Horrible!!  But of course, these girls thought it was the most beautiful thing EVER.  Those midwesterners don't get out much, huh?  *ducks head at incoming tomatoes from the Midwesterners*.

And so group dates are not his thing, as he likes to remind us so he calls all the girls into some cornball named room for some alone time.  How Ashley thought for one second that they had a "connection" was beyond me.  Maybe it was the "tick tock" music in the background, but man, that was some painful alone time.  And no kiss.  She's got some great legs though.  All the girls at the table are putting money on Vienna being the one to go.  Him and Tenley hit it off and really, she's just as annoying as he is so I propose they get married and make little Boyscout and Girlscout Future Leaders of America together.  They'll write their own Cornball Dictionary and the highlighted words will be "dynamite", "neat", "swell" and the phrase of the day will be "Boy, I sure do appreciate...".  Ugh.  I swear I'm watching a glorified episode of the Beverly Hillbillies. 

He tells Vienna to slow her roll because she's annoying all the girls and he can see why and Vienna goes on to talk about herself.  Duh. 

Date 3, double date with Ella and Kathryn, who are both upset they're being played against each other.  Kathryn and her googly eyes scare me.  And Ella and her witch nose and Dolly Parton Revival red jacket were  Clearly, the show does not provide stylists.  Kathryn gets totally ignored and shows us either a) her anorexic ways by leaving ALL her food on her plate or b) her hatred of fresh steamed vegetables, either of which is grounds for dismissal, IMO.  Ella tries to seduce him with her pretty eyes, hook nose, and horrible fake nails ala Jersey Shore and tell him that she's "so much more than just a mother" *insert Eartha Kitt's creepy Cougar growl here*.    And he still sends her home.  Buh-bye.  He's doing you a favor, Ella, I swear.  So Kathryn is sitting in her chair doing the fucking happy dance because despite the fact that he has never ever ever talked to her on camera and has told her she is beautiful and all he can say is she has pretty eyes (btw, that is a SURE SIGN that you are NOT BEAUTIFUL!) and he completely and utterly IGNORES her not only the entire show, but the entire double date, she think she's the lucky girl to stay with him.  She really does.  And then he drops the ax on her googly ass.  Buh-Bye, Kathryn.   No matter how many times she tells him he's making a big mistake, he still sends her off on her way.  And she does tell him quite a few times. 

Ahhhh, the Rose Ceremony.  Ali was spectacular as always, although she's got a bit of a temper on her.  Vienna was creepy and wanted to make sure he still knew how fabulous she was.  Oh wait, oh wait, oh wait!! I forgot that when they were in the hotel where real celebrities have been, we caught a glimpse of all the girls getting ready, and yes, boys and girls, some authentic shots of her applying make-up.  It was like the intro to a bad episode of What Not To Wear.   That, boys and girls, is how NOT to do your make up.  Unless, of course, you're going for the cracked out whore look, in which case, she's on to something and should have the look patented.  No, really. 

Alright, so this cute girl who has never ever ever said more than a word (Jessie) decides she needs to tell him Vienna's a bitch and I'm glad she does because it lets me ogle over her fabulous green eyeshadow and perfect eyebrows and lets me confirm that she is, in fact, wearing pantyhose.  This may totally be a regional thing, but if it isn't the 80s or at most, '90-'93, you do not, under any circumstances wear either nude or off black pantyhose.  No matter what.   Do.Not.Do.It.  The Indecent Proposal mini dress should have been my clue, though, really.  Ah, I was so disappointed.

Once again, Jake is reminding us that he is here to find love.  And he's cutting to the chase, guys.  So bye bye Ashley and bye bye Jessie with your fabulous green eyeshadow and horrible hose.  I'll miss you both.  Meh, I won't miss Ashley.   She always rubbed me the wrong way.  And, yeahp, that means Voracious Vagina Vienna (hahahaha, I don't watch porn.  Is that a bad porno name?  It sounds great to me!) is here to stay.  Much to the shigrin of Ali.  She is  Whoa, Nelly.

Next week, *gasp* is a real nail biter.  I seriously think that at this point William Shatner should be MCing the whole damn season. 


Valkyrie said...

Thanks for filling me in, mi amor!

I would have liked to see that conversation where Jake told Vienna to slow her roll down. Daniel almost had a heart attack when Jake kept her (he says she is butt ugly) and let Ashley go (he thinks she's hot). I do not see her appeal. But don't you think it's a big red flag that all the other chicks hate her? There's something wrong there. Women have a sixth sense.

That Kathryn/Ella date was totally awkward. I kind of liked Ella, but I would have dumped her too because she had an annoying kid. She was really pretty though, excluding the Jersey nails (you are so right about that).

I thought it was hilarious that when Jake finally took that idiot Kathryn outside for alone time, she immediately jumped on him and nagged him and sounded totally insecure. And *then* I was totally laughing when she was all, "Did anyone see that coming???" in the limo. Um yeah. Actually I did. Men hate when you jump on their ass for ignoring them and not making them feel pretty or whatever. Bleh!

Jake is still so fucking annoying and weenieish. God. Seriously. I could never get it up for that guy. I'd need viagra.

Jake is weird. I don't know where he's going with this.

Ali is freakin' gorgeous. But WTF is wrong with her to be interested in a numb nuts like Jake? There must be some serious flaw. Do you think she has herpes or something? I mean, she is so far out of his league. Maybe she has a penis? Vagina dentata???

Jodi said...

Ya know, I think I might *almost* be buying into how desperate Jakey-poo is for looooooove. Do you think it's remotely possible that he could be *that* much of a pussy? I guess, so. Ew.

That road trip thing made me super uncomfortable, too. I'm not much of a road tripper under the best circumstances, so that whole cluster fuck they had going on there would have SUPER pissed me off. I wanted to yak when whoever it was was eating cheap lunch meat with her fingers. Sick! I think part of the reason they were so happy to be out of the house was to be away from the Evil Vienna. I too, still do not understand why the fuck everyone is so hot under the collar about that loon. She seems like such a non-threat. And why, why, WHY if she talks SO much shit and is so fuckin' awful, have they not caught any of it on camera. Well, there was the whole asking for one-on-one when she already had a rose and the asking to have one-on-one last but they already hated her by then.

I'll be sad when she goes just because she is so fucking psycho over him. (WHO WOULD BE PSYCHO FOR JAKE??????) She definitely has something wrong with her mug, but she's like that kid on the school bus who sat in front of you and was just off enough that you were interested in her story. The girl who started possibly getting to third base in the back of the local movie theater at age 11 and literally walked out to have a cigarette afterward. While I don't *like* her, she is somewhat interesting to me. The thing that is so irritating to me about Vienna is that she thinks she knows Jake soooooo well. *eye roll* Yippy-fucking-skippy.

I like Gia, too but I don't think he'll keep her until the end. I'm thinking that either Gia or Ali will end up in the final 2 or 3 and one will be the next Bachelorette. Gia is purty, purty, purty to me. (Why the FUCK do I keep repeating things 3 times?) There were MANY things throughout this episode that had me literally laughing out loud. And that fucking retarded spin the bottle game was no exception. DUMB! I was glad he kept her, I think she is too good for him.

That group date - sheesh. The little cars looked cool (why can't I remember their names....doonbuggies but how do you spell it?) The surfing thing would have pissed me off, and I wouldn't have been down with the rolling down the hill thing either. That shit looked painful! The hotel looked gaudy and overdone but I have to admit I would have thought it was cool. But I readily admit that I never get out - HA!

Poor Ashley. I liked her but I don't think she was able to fake it with Jake (I think the majority of the bitches on that show are just master fakers.) Another time when I was LOL-ing was their awkward silences during their one-on-one. I was like, "Pack yer bags, and start the limo, this beeyotch is goin' HOOOOME!"

I do not have even ONE memory of Kathryn or green eye shadow until they basically got sent home. Well, except when Eye Shadow decided to grow a pair and "expose" Vienna. (Another surefire ticket home. Ella was OK, but I couldn't even see a fake future with her.

Ali...ahhhhh Ali. I don't know anymore. She is pretty and I think IRL, I would like her but there's something almost sketchy about her. Like I could it coming out that she has a boyfriend in real life. She's still my fave, though. Tenley drives me INSANE! She seems like an idiot or so sweet she could give me toothache. Gorgeous girl, though....Possible *too* gorgeous.

I fucking CANNOT wait until next week. And I good job for posting so quickly. I look forward to this blog every single week!!!!!