Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Blue Balls and the Cuckoo's Nest

Man, am I bummed.  Crazy got kicked off the fucking show and now what am I going to do for entertainment?!?

Last night's Bachelor supersucked again.  What the hell is up with the horrible dates this season?!?!  And the overconsumption of helicopter rides?!?!  I mean, what a way to make a girl feel special...hey! let's go on a HELICOPTER ride!! Novel idea, Jake, really.  I'm so glad no one thought of it before.  *eye roll*

Let's start off with the bungee jumping date...I mean seriously.  Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhy would you pick a fucking date that makes you look like a bigger sissy than you already are, you boring fuck?  I can't take it.  I hate watching men cry.  And crying over bungee jumping?  Lame-O!

(I'm listening to my kids kill each other.  It's my new mothering technique.  If I don't walk in, will they stop killing each other?  Hmmmm...)

I really don't get why everyone hates Vienna.  I mean, I don't get why he likes Vienna, but they haven't shown her do something soooooooooo horrid as to warrant the entire household hating her, other than the last move where she stole him from Ms. Blue Balls when she already had a rose.  That was pretty shady.  Dare I say it?!?  Dare I?!?!  Yeahp...she violated "woman" code! Muahahahahahha! 

Annnnnyway.... So really, the bad dye job and crosseyedness is really getting to me.  But I don't hate her.

Did you guys see where in the previews, Tenley said she was pregnant and then she didn't say it on the show?!?!  I hate that they're pulling the same lame shit as they did last season!!!!

Ok, then on to HORRRRRRIBLE Date No. 2... a comedy club?!?!?!  I would have died.  And walked off.  Right then and there.  I'm not for public ridicule, ever, but not on national TV and not when I'm trying to impress a guy I supposedly like even though he's dating 14 other women and I haven't gotten a chance to know him.  I can do the self deprecating thing on my own terms, thank you very much.  But I'm not a performing monkey and I won't make you laugh on demand. Yes, my speech for the camera would have gone something like that.

I thought it was totally fucking tasteless that that Cory (Tory?) girl spent her routine ragging on other girls.   I get that it's a competition, but I don't ever get the need to put someone down to make yourself look better.  And the fact that he kept her after that was pretty telling, too. 

Oh God...and Crazy and her skit?!?!  It was a fucking trainwreck.  Despite the fact that I didn't get it.  Dewd.  You have to have some really nice juicy boobs to refer to them as coconuts and she totally missed the boat on that one.

(Ha, they stopped fighting.  It worked.)

The "Afterparty"?!?!  Oh God, oh God, oh God...that kiss between him and Michelle?  It was like watching a lizard try and catch a fly between a crack in the concrete...her tongue was going nowhere.  It was beyond awkward.  I can never spell that damn word.  I mean, what the fuck was she thinking?!?!?  "I really neeed a husband!!!!!!!!!!  I'm ready to get married!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  No, bitch, you need to get tasered to bring you down from your spazz attack.  Can you calm the fuck down already?!?! You're 25.  And desperate.  Ew.

Hahahahhaha, did you hear her when she was on the corner waiting for the cab when she said, "Everybo....Some people said that Jake was the one for me.  I know he was the one for meeeeee!"  I think she was referring to the voices in her head.  Fucking nutjob. 

I mean really, the date with Ella?  Weird.  And it was only cute the first time around when the producers did it with Jason.   I get the need to meet her son and for her son to meet him.  I even get that it was her birthday and what a nice present.  But I think it would have been in the best interest of the kid if they would have waited until she were one of the finalists?  No?  Whatevs.  I was bored.  And I don't like her nose.  And I felt bad for her because her title kept saying "hairstylist" and her hair was struck with humidity and looked atrocious. 

Aaaaaaannnnd, finally, Blue Balls Elizabeth.  Really?!  Really, Elizabeth you freaking asshole?  I totally got what he was saying.  The whole coy thing was so overdone.  And stupid.  And nobody cares about you and your fucking kiss, you fucktard!  If you're going to play the "til I'm the last one standing" card, you better know how to play it right.  That was not playing it right.  Obviously.   Obviously.  Buh-Bye, Flat Ass....

I have no idea who the other girl that got sent home was, but I can't wrap my head around her being a "homemaker".  Huh? 

So there's this girl at work who spends a good amount of time and energy scouring websites for spoilers, and this season is no different.  Don't worry, there will be no spoilers here, but she told me today the ending of it all.  Oh, and she also told me that she's pretty sure she's seen Vienna on a porno.  So for any of you watching pornos, keep a look out.  Hahahaha!  Btw, that's way more than I ever want to know about one of my co-workers.  I'm just sayin'.

So if you want to know, I know. Hahaha.  I see dead people, too, but that's for another blog. ;-) 


Jodi said...

OHMYGAWD! I love you. Can I pimp your blog out to my SIL and other RL friends who watch The Bach, too? I want to but only with your permission, of course.

I have to run to Target but I will be back later to dish on each and very little gloriously, awesome detail of this post.


Jodi said...

I was sorta bummed that he kicked off Crazy and even Flat-Ass because they were at least semi-exciting. Buuuut it also made me like him just a tidge because he kinda showed some balls. I bet one or both of them reappears for some reason or another. It will happen when there are three girls left.

And of course Jake cried, of course. He's the biggest pussy ever, so no shock there. I'm such a raging bitch, I was almost CRYING I was laughing so hard at him.

(Let your kiddos fight it out. I think it'll be fine, yo.)

I can't figure out the hating Vienna thing either. I mean usually they show the bitchy shit or her talking smack, but nada. I think she's just a dumbass and was bragging to much about her one-on-one. I was embarrassed for ehr when she was going on about their gay kiss. *rolls eyes* You're right, busting in on Queen Tease did nothing for her in the other girls' eyes. Speaking of eyes what *did* happen to hers? She looks like a small creature on The Lion King or something, with those huge eyes. Her hair is awful and her make-up always looks so slept in.

Tenley preggers...WHA????? I *will* stay tuned for that shit.

That comedy club thing was hideous and cruel. I probably would've dittto'd your speech and flounced out. But not before I drank as much free booze as I could possibly consume and fell on my ass on the way out.

Oh but Crazy's skit was SOOOOO typical of her kooky butt. What the fuck? I was absolutely CLUELESS for the longest time about the coconut joke, until she lamely gestured to her puny bewbs.

I had to turn away from the lizard kiss and from your description, I am fucking glad I did. Why does she ALWAYS look like she just got done bawling buckets? Maybe she does coke or has extreme allergies.

I'm so happy you brought up the "homemaker" thing. Huh? Does she have kids? Is that just a polite way to say UNEMPLOYED?

Vienna on a prono....Huh, yeah, I can see that.

Valkyrie said...

You have the best Bachelor blog ever! Haahahaahaa I can't stop laughing when I read it.

I was totally glad he told Elizabeth to get lost. How the hell is he supposed to keep her as one of the final two if he doesn't know if they have chemistry. Frankly, I think he should have sex with ALL of them. I don't think you can make such an important decision without having sex with the person. :-P I'm not really kidding.

And yeah, super glad he got rid of Michelle. That is the first time he has shown some cajones. She was playing head games. She wanted him to beg her to stay because she was so convinced she was the one for him. I hate that game playing crap. Good riddance. And come to think of it, she does look coked out!

I watch pornos all the time. I'm going to start paying attention to the girls' faces. That's not what I normally pay attention to though. Hahaahaaha Again, I'm not kidding.

I would be PISSED if someone told me the ending of it all. So don't even be tempted! >:-P