Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I've entered into an inappropriate affair with The Bachelor

Because my goodness does he annoy the hell out of me!  Did you guys see where he was going on a date with that midnight blue shirt, and as he walked up, he unbuttoned not one, but TWO of the buttons?  Dewd.  That shit was only cool if you were John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.  in NINETEEN SEVENTY-SEVEN!  (Yes, I googled the year...I mean really, I was two).

I mean, you're such a fucking boring pill that the hookers you decided to keep would rather bang a cute "staffer", then wait to see what you're all about.  Now that's boring.

I swear, if Chris would have said "entered into an inappropriate affair" one more time, I was going to lose it.  Or start taking shots to get through it.  You know, like the game Roxanne?  Whenever the Police says "Roxanne", you take a shot.  Love that game.  We played it to Beat It in NYC with Kari.  Fun times.

This show is boring me!  I can't take it anymore.  You're dry humping some pretty girl in the pool, then give a rose to some bridal magazine model whose coy girl act is soooooooooo obvious?!  Is it even dry humping if they were in the pool? 

What about the retard who wrote this long asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss letter (on a napkin, no less) in 5th grader writing about how she wasn't going to kiss him because other girls had kissed him?!?!  I mean, seriously?!?!  You're a fucking nanny with a HORRIBLE boob job!!!!!!!!!!  Do you really think we're going to think YOU AREN'T EASY?!?!  And, ya dumb fuck, if you'd seriously considering marrying a guy YOU'VE NEVER KISSED BEFORE, you have more issues than your bad boobs.  And missing ass.  I'm an ass girl.   Did you see her ass in those jeans?!  Me either.  Cause it wasn't there. And she really did say, "In my spare time, I like to write" and then took out her crumpled up napkin and started her monotone reading.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  I really hate monotone reading. 

And don't ask me what being a nanny and bad boobs have to do with being easy.  Because I don't know.  But it feels right to say it.  So I will.

What else?  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ali.  Just love her.  Love her yellow dresses.  Love her dancing to Chicago (what ever happened to Peter Ceterra...wasn't he the lead singer of Chicago??).  And really, she's the best thing there. So,  I hope she runs!  I seriously can't believe what an utter bore Jake is.  I mean, I can.  It isn't a surprise.  But he's the kind of guy that the fact that he is that good looking doesn't even matter because he is so.fucking.boring.  He reminds me of a few guys I've dated.  Briefly.  Hahahaha.  I think it was in high school, and then maybe again right after -- there was this dreamy guy named Carlos.  He was in the Navy (no gay jokes, please) and gorgeous and sooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeet.  And BORING.  To no end.  You know, the kind of guy that you *try* to like with all your might because on paper, you *should* like him, but you just can't stomach the thought.  Yeahp.  I'm sure if I sit here and think about it, I can name a couple more.  Maybe I will.  Another day.

Yes, yes, yes, I married a freaking GOP Gold Card Member who is INFURIATING at every single turn and we disagree on just about everything, but man, I can never say that he's boring.  Or that he isn't damn sexy.  But anyway...

And crazy-psycho-you-will-see-her-soon-on-America's-Most-Wanted-Michelle is still there.  I keep watching this show hoping we aren't on real time.  And by real time, what I mean is that I hope they've been there interacting longer than 2 weeks, because really, what at any point has he said or done that make you sooooooooo in love with him?  Or want him so bad?  Was it when he said "dynamite"?  Barf.  I can't get over that.

He didn't even make a Mile High joke or reference when him and Ali were on the plane!  SO.NOT.SEXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Vienna's energy, but she's a crazy 22 year old party girl from Florida!  T-R-O-U-B-L-E.  And her crosseyed-ness is really hard to get over.  I get a headache when she comes on the screen.

And what about the crazy girl who waited to have sex before marrying her ex husband who cheated on her?  I'm missing why it's such a HUGE deal for her to tell Jake (when he's dating 14 other girls) that she was previously divorced.  Am I wrong?

Ugh.  The hair dresser with the son.  Does anyone else think it's totally fucking weird that she told her son she was going to go try to land Pilot Jake (haha, no pun intended)?  I would be embarrassed to tell my kid that I was going on some reality show to find a husband.  I mean, if I were single, I wouldn't be above going on a reality show, but if I had kids, I'd be embarrassed.  That's all. 

And the saddest thing of all is that I will tune in next week.  What the hell is wrong with me?!


Valkyrie said...

JAJAAJAAJAJAAJAAJAA This is the best thing I've read. Like ever! Hilarious!

I am so pissed because the stupid show was on for two hours last night, but I didn't know that, so I missed the whole first hour. I missed the wet humping in the swimming pool and all of that. And how in the world do you remember their names? I can't remember a single name!

Jake *is* totally boring. But he's also a pussy. Remember on the Bachelorette when he got dumped? His only real claim to fame was that he ratted some other guy out. Like a chick! He gossiped and stabbed a guy in the back. It's gross when men act like women. I don't even think he's good looking, but homophobic Daniel is all over him. lol He's just not my type. Too All American. I hate that look.

But I am not bored with the show at all. Maybe because I missed half of it. I am finding it highly entertaining.

Jodi said...

Oh man, oh man, oh man. I'm so giddy over this. I want to try and remember every little detail of this post and comment on every word.

Jake is so MORE than boring, boring is an EXCITING way to describe that piece of wilted, wet cardboard. I was cracking up when Chris Harrison was almost in tears about the whole "affair" thing. He was probably fucking THRILLED to have some excitement. And I have to wonder if the "staffer" wasn't some kind of a plan to spice up that limp noodle.

The Goddamn letter writer, what was her name? I wanted to smack her across the face. And that letter was HIGHlarious! Come the fuck on, she IS a retard. I thought it was kinda funny that she was a frickin nanny at the age of 29, too. I mean, isn't that kind of a college girl job? *shrugs* Plus, I thought she was just plain bitchy and too tall.

And how about how fucking UPSET the rest of the girls were when they found out about it. I would have been laughing my ass off and *thrilled* that one of the "hottest" girls there just got the axe and publicly humiliated. I loved how Rozlyn tried to get out of that shit, too. Good try, ya idiot.

We are on the same page with the Ali love. I like her too. I think she was the only one who said something like, "Fuck that" about the whole *AFFAIR*. I felt bad that they didn't have the real Peter Cetera with Chicago, that blows.

There's something really genuine about Vienna that I like, too. But she seems a little young and she has HUGE eyes (not that that makes her bad or anything, jus sayin.)

Like Valk, I am excited for next week - is there going to be a fight? Will Vienna go home? Who does he ask to leave (yeah, like there's a chance that pussy will ask someone to leave, that's just clever editing, yo.)

I could go on and on and on....

We should have a whole group or forum dedicated to this fucking show. And somehow make money off it.


Thanks for such a fucking AWESOME blog!

Little Miss Me said...

hahahahahahahha! You and Valk crack me up! "Limp Noodle" describes him perfectly! And I bet he does have a friggin' limp noodle!!!!!!!!

Man, Valk, I can't believe you missed the first hour!! This season, they're doing the 2 hour thing each week, so prepare yourself for next week.

OMG, Jode - YESSSS! I couldn't understand what everyone was crying about!! You were upset that he got hurt?!?! I mean really? Why? Fuck it! More chance for you, man....

It looks like the Flat Ass Nanny goes home! wooo hoooooo!

There's one girl who I find beautiful other than Ali, too. She's really quiet and I can't even remember her name. Don't think she was even on a date with him, although she could have been. She has fair skin and these beautiful dark features - great brows, dark (maybe black?) hair and dark eyes and wears this red lipstick like only someone with that great fair skin can. She was in the front row in the rose ceremony? Yeah. So pretty. Love her.

Valk, I cannot stop laughing at Daniel being all over Jake. That is hilarious.

He isn't edgy even with his small plane and motorcycle. How in the hell is that possible?!?!?!