Birthdays, birthdays, birthdays...

You know, this was supposed to be a blog about my life as a breastfeeding mom.  The good news is my life as a breastfeeding mom is no different than the life of a non-breastfeeding mom.  So I have nothing to report.  And really, there is no bad news when you're living a life of a breastfeeding mom, so I'll stop there. 

It's birthday season!!  You know..adrenalin in high gear, sleepless nights coming up with the perfect plan on a budget, throwing that budget out the window and then coming back to it, and the hardest thing of all, trying to top myself from years past.  Really, I'm not and will never be one of those moms who tries to throw a party better than the one her kid went to.  I just don't have the need or capability of being envious and petty like that.  You'll never ever hear me say or have me think, "but so and so did THIS last year so now I want it".  Uh-uh, not me.  And yet, my insatiable need to have all the pieces of the party fit one particular theme drives me insane, in a good way, every single time.  I live for birthday season!!!  Woooooooooo Hooooooooooo!!

This year's kick off?  Jonathan's FIFTH birthday!!  I can't even believe it.  I am so focused on theme pieces that I cannot concentrate on being upset.  I told him yesterday, "you're going to be FIVE! You're not my baby anymore!"  And he said, very matter of factly, "Mom, I will still be your baby when I'm five.  And when I'm big like Carlitos, I will STILL be your baby," and rolled his eyes and walked away.  Carlitos is his 19 year old cousin who just came from Cuba.  God, I love my eternal baby.  He just knows so much more than I ever will. He's such an old, pure soul.  *sigh*

Anyway, back to birthday season.  I was watching Teen Mom  (Valk, you got me hooked!) on Tuesday and thinking how amazing it must be to be content with such simplicity.  That is not me.  Ray and I get into debates about the size of the party every year. I want something small.  My Napolean-complexed lovebug wants something GRAND!  Invite EVERYONE!  What do you mean there's ONLY 50 people?!?! Invite MORE!  

I hate that many people in my house.  Bryan gets clingy because he hates that many people in his house and instead of enjoying my birthday boy, I have to deal with Bryan and his clinginess and play hostess to a bunch of people.  >:-<

Fortunately (and unfortunately), Ray has a GINORMOUS family and even inviting "family only", we end up with a number in the 40s.  Which is when I start hoping for no shows.  :-P

Oh, back to the fun stuff!!  Do you know how hard it is to plan a complete, head to toe outer space themed party?!?!  I've got the invitations narrowed down from Etsy-- I just have to pick one.   My friend Annette is making an upright rocket ship cake (which will match the invitation).  I've got alien and outer space inspired favors for my gift boxes which will perfectly match my invitation, and I even have a lady who will make a rocket ship piñata (based on the one from the invitation).   I'm impressed with myself.  

My setbacks?!?!  I have a couple.  Food.  I can't think of any space inspired food.  So I'm settling for lasagna.  But I'm open to ideas.  Then there is of course my budget.  And, lastly, trying to find entertainment that matches my theme to perfection hasn't been easy.  He wants a bounce house, but I can't find any that are space like.  Ray said we'll put banners.  That's ok, I guess.  But I want something more precise.  I came up with a few ideas yesterday and will keep you posted once I get prices.  I'm so excited!!!  I mean, you know what I really wanted is someone to come with a chimpanzee because they have been into space.  Hahahahaha, so not kidding.

This work thing is really getting in the way.  Have a great day.  Oh, and Sheella, I love you and want nothing more than to read your blog, but my computer can't handle it! Waaaaaaaaaah!!!!!

In case you hadn't heard...

Jake is looking for love.   He's looking to find a wife, and he's very confident that one of these ladies is the one.  As evidenced by his overuse of the word "neat" to describe what a "swell" time he's been having on each date.  Really.

Barf.

Ok, so at least it's getting better.  He's still so damn boring, but I like that he has conviction.  This week was awkward once again, to say the least.  Is it just me or is this Bachelor season gearing up for the Most Uncomfortable Moments in Reality TV award??

Valk missed the first hour, so let's see if I can remember.  Hmmm, Road trip!!  Ugh, I hate road trips.   I get super duper carsick unless I'm driving and I really hate being in small spaces.  They were so excited to get out of the mansion to spend an undetermined amount of time stuck smelling each other's bowel movements with women who are all "fixing" to bone the man they each want to marry?  Yeah.  These girls aren't too bright. 

So they aren't ever returning to the Mansion.  I kept wondering if it was because the sponsors were so pissed that Jake and his Busted Crew are so freaking lame that they've pulled advertising revenue and the producers were forced to end the lease early.  Really, this is how my brain works.  *sigh*

Alright, their first stop was in some vineyard.  Very pretty.  And Jake's tent is up the street from the RVs?  Anyone wondering why one of them wouldn't sneak out in the middle of the night and just go climb in the tent? 

During all this, Vienna keeps telling the camera how she feels bad for all these girls since she knows she's The One.  And how they're all so sad to be vying for Her Boyfriend. She's annoying.  And looks like she got punched in the face and the doctors never were able to set her nose back properly. 

The first date is a one on one? I can't remember.  It was Gia.  Gia is so pretty.  But she has this lisp.  I keep looking at her and diagnosing her with a tongue tie.  I want to speak to her mother and see how nursing went for them because she either a) has a tongue tie or b) wore a retainer and braces for such a long, long time that her mouth is used to operating with something in it.  Hahaha, so many potential jokes right there...so, so many.

Vienna was convinced she would be going home because "she's this New Yorker and Jake is all about the outdoors.  She's so not for him.  I'm for him."   I swear, that's what she said.  So what if she's urban chic?  Don't be hating on the swim model you Fight Club Graduate!

I liked them together.  Gia's sweet.  And wow, what a surprise that Jake was in 11th grade before he got kissed.  No.Freaking.Way, Jake!  And here we all thought you were as smooth as a baby's ass.  What was up with that awkward game of Spin the Bottle?  Is that how you play???  Lame-O!

So he gave her a rose.  yay!!

Date Number 2 was a Group Date.  Oh man, he said the cheesiest freaking thing and I cannot remember what it was.  And when he said it, I said, "OH MY GOD that was CHEESY!  I *must* remember!!".  A lot of good that did me.  All the girls except for Gia, Ella and Kathryn went on the date.  And they went dune buggying.  And sandboarding.  Looked like fun.  Except for all the sand in the nose.  That's not so fun.  Then they went to this hotel "where all the celebrities go!".  And some dumb fucking chic actually said, "we must be so special to him, because he took us to this great hotel WHERE ALL THE CELEBRITIES GO!".  Pathetic much?  Of course, I can't remember the name of the place either, but it's the second time I've seen it.  The first time was on The Girls Next Door.  It was the same hotel they took Bridget's sister to for her 21st birthday.  And it is tah-ckay!  with a capital TAH!  Horrible!!  But of course, these girls thought it was the most beautiful thing EVER.  Those midwesterners don't get out much, huh?  *ducks head at incoming tomatoes from the Midwesterners*.

And so group dates are not his thing, as he likes to remind us so he calls all the girls into some cornball named room for some alone time.  How Ashley thought for one second that they had a "connection" was beyond me.  Maybe it was the "tick tock" music in the background, but man, that was some painful alone time.  And no kiss.  She's got some great legs though.  All the girls at the table are putting money on Vienna being the one to go.  Him and Tenley hit it off and really, she's just as annoying as he is so I propose they get married and make little Boyscout and Girlscout Future Leaders of America together.  They'll write their own Cornball Dictionary and the highlighted words will be "dynamite", "neat", "swell" and the phrase of the day will be "Boy, I sure do appreciate...".  Ugh.  I swear I'm watching a glorified episode of the Beverly Hillbillies. 

He tells Vienna to slow her roll because she's annoying all the girls and he can see why and Vienna goes on to talk about herself.  Duh. 

Date 3, double date with Ella and Kathryn, who are both upset they're being played against each other.  Kathryn and her googly eyes scare me.  And Ella and her witch nose and Dolly Parton Revival red jacket were ...wow...silencing.  Clearly, the show does not provide stylists.  Kathryn gets totally ignored and shows us either a) her anorexic ways by leaving ALL her food on her plate or b) her hatred of fresh steamed vegetables, either of which is grounds for dismissal, IMO.  Ella tries to seduce him with her pretty eyes, hook nose, and horrible fake nails ala Jersey Shore and tell him that she's "so much more than just a mother" *insert Eartha Kitt's creepy Cougar growl here*.    And he still sends her home.  Buh-bye.  He's doing you a favor, Ella, I swear.  So Kathryn is sitting in her chair doing the fucking happy dance because despite the fact that he has never ever ever talked to her on camera and has told her she is beautiful and all he can say is she has pretty eyes (btw, that is a SURE SIGN that you are NOT BEAUTIFUL!) and he completely and utterly IGNORES her not only the entire show, but the entire double date, she think she's the lucky girl to stay with him.  She really does.  And then he drops the ax on her googly ass.  Buh-Bye, Kathryn.   No matter how many times she tells him he's making a big mistake, he still sends her off on her way.  And she does tell him quite a few times. 

Ahhhh, the Rose Ceremony.  Ali was spectacular as always, although she's got a bit of a temper on her.  Vienna was creepy and wanted to make sure he still knew how fabulous she was.  Oh wait, oh wait, oh wait!! I forgot that when they were in the hotel where real celebrities have been, we caught a glimpse of all the girls getting ready, and yes, boys and girls, some authentic shots of her applying make-up.  It was like the intro to a bad episode of What Not To Wear.   That, boys and girls, is how NOT to do your make up.  Unless, of course, you're going for the cracked out whore look, in which case, she's on to something and should have the look patented.  No, really. 

Alright, so this cute girl who has never ever ever said more than a word (Jessie) decides she needs to tell him Vienna's a bitch and I'm glad she does because it lets me ogle over her fabulous green eyeshadow and perfect eyebrows and lets me confirm that she is, in fact, wearing pantyhose.  This may totally be a regional thing, but if it isn't the 80s or at most, '90-'93, you do not, under any circumstances wear either nude or off black pantyhose.  No matter what.   Do.Not.Do.It.  The Indecent Proposal mini dress should have been my clue, though, really.  Ah, I was so disappointed.

Once again, Jake is reminding us that he is here to find love.  And he's cutting to the chase, guys.  So bye bye Ashley and bye bye Jessie with your fabulous green eyeshadow and horrible hose.  I'll miss you both.  Meh, I won't miss Ashley.   She always rubbed me the wrong way.  And, yeahp, that means Voracious Vagina Vienna (hahahaha, I don't watch porn.  Is that a bad porno name?  It sounds great to me!) is here to stay.  Much to the shigrin of Ali.  She is not.at.all.happy.  Whoa, Nelly.

Next week, *gasp* is a real nail biter.  I seriously think that at this point William Shatner should be MCing the whole damn season. 

One More Thing...

Were any of you watching The Jersey Shore?!?!  How about RHOOC?  I am so sad Jersey Shore is over.  It was the most amazing comedic relief ever.  And I want to know what you think about Lynn and Gretchen?  Do you think Gretchen overstepped her boundaries? Or do you think Lynn is over sensitive because she's been slacking as a mom?

Just Checking In

 Hello, my lovely ladies.  I really feel like I have completely fallen off the radar and that you all will forget about me, as much as I love each and every one of you.  There is soooo much going on right now that I feel I don't have enough time in the day.  Actually, I know I don't have enough time in the day. 

Bry has been a real peach for the last month or so, and I am struggling with ways to improve what's going on, and I've done really well in a lot of areas (hahaha, why am I taking the credit for this?!?!), I mean -- he has done really well with what I've implemented, which has been basically been giving him ALL my attention except for when he's behaving how he knows he shouldn't.  And, the temper tantrums have definitely been curbed, but he is going through the worst separation anxiety ever.  I can't leave the room without it being a catastrophic melt down.  And actually trying to go to work?!?!  Yeah.  It's been a challenge to say the least.  You know, I know all kids develop differently but I thought that was supposed to peak at 18 mos??  We're about half a year late, man! Yeah, he's walked in here twice and I've had to sneak away each time to finish this blog.  Little Booger.

Anyway, I haven't even had time to pee.  Seriously.  After about 10 years without ever getting a UTI, I've had the beginnings of one three times in the last month, as recently as this morning.  Today, I realized that yesterday, I didn't drink enough water because I knew I wouldn't have time or where to pee and bam! thank you very much, you damn UTI.  I'll bombard myself with cranberry pills and AZO as I've done in the past and hopefully, it will be over by tomorrow, but yeah.

What else?  I really fucking hate Costco.  Like REALLY.  I love everything in that place...I could stay there for hours and spend thousands of dollars but they are so damn impractical that I seriously have violent feelings of hatred towards them!  It started when one morning after just having gotten the membership, I decided to go after dropping J off at school with Bry.  We'd all woken up super early that day so naptime for Bry would be earlier than usual and the fuckers weren't open at 9 am.  Not even 9:30.  No, no, no...they don't open until 10:00 am on the weekdays.  That, to me, is completely unacceptable.  So,  I went to BJs, which, although not as awesome in their selection, opens for me at 8:00 am.  Thank you, BJs...I appreciate you.  And BJs carries Pampers, when Costco only carries Huggies.  Tsk, tsk, tsk.  Then Costco lures me in again with great coupons, so I make a plan to go with my mom last Saturday.  We get there at 7pm and the fuckers are closed.  At 7pm on a Saturday?!?!?  They close at 6.  WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Finally, Ray and I go yesterday and when I get to the register, coupons in tow, the lady tells me they don't take manufacturer's coupons!!!  Who in the hell doesn't take manufacturer's coupons?!?!?  Outrage.  I was seriously pissed.  Hahahha, I'm such an ass.  But damn you, Costco!

Hmmmm, work.  I don't do hypocrisy well.  I really don't.  If I don't like you, I just don't like you.  I'm not mean to you, I just don't even act like you exist, because really, you don't to me.  But even then, if you're nice to me, I'll usually feel bad about not liking you and try to like you, always against my better judgment.  My first call about someone is 98.8% right.  Anyway, there is this girl at work who I am ready to kick in the fucking teeth.  Not only because of her antics, but because of the hypocrisy.  She came at me on Wednesday like she was doing me a favor reminding me about something only for me to find out that as nice as she was when she had come to me, she's already bad mouthed me to my boss. What's that quote??  "She who lives in a glass house should not throw stones?"  Yeah, I butchered that probably.  Dude, because of her ineptness (is that a word?), I have so much work lately.  If she would do her fucking job during normal office hours, I wouldn't have to do it for her after hours, with my kids and husband mad at me because instead of having one or two moms to call, I have SIX thanks to her eating shit all day.  Bottom line: Don't fuck with me.  I promise I'll make you feel worse about yourself than even I feel about you. 

Alright, I'm being summoned again to go and watch Shrek.  This dictatorship by a 2 year old is highly overrated. 

Blue Balls and the Cuckoo's Nest

Man, am I bummed.  Crazy got kicked off the fucking show and now what am I going to do for entertainment?!?

Last night's Bachelor supersucked again.  What the hell is up with the horrible dates this season?!?!  And the overconsumption of helicopter rides?!?!  I mean, what a way to make a girl feel special...hey! let's go on a HELICOPTER ride!! Novel idea, Jake, really.  I'm so glad no one thought of it before.  *eye roll*

Let's start off with the bungee jumping date...I mean seriously.  Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhy would you pick a fucking date that makes you look like a bigger sissy than you already are, you boring fuck?  I can't take it.  I hate watching men cry.  And crying over bungee jumping?  Lame-O!

(I'm listening to my kids kill each other.  It's my new mothering technique.  If I don't walk in, will they stop killing each other?  Hmmmm...)

I really don't get why everyone hates Vienna.  I mean, I don't get why he likes Vienna, but they haven't shown her do something soooooooooo horrid as to warrant the entire household hating her, other than the last move where she stole him from Ms. Blue Balls when she already had a rose.  That was pretty shady.  Dare I say it?!?  Dare I?!?!  Yeahp...she violated "woman" code! Muahahahahahha! 

Annnnnyway.... So really, the bad dye job and crosseyedness is really getting to me.  But I don't hate her.

Did you guys see where in the previews, Tenley said she was pregnant and then she didn't say it on the show?!?!  I hate that they're pulling the same lame shit as they did last season!!!!

Ok, then on to HORRRRRRIBLE Date No. 2... a comedy club?!?!?!  I would have died.  And walked off.  Right then and there.  I'm not for public ridicule, ever, but not on national TV and not when I'm trying to impress a guy I supposedly like even though he's dating 14 other women and I haven't gotten a chance to know him.  I can do the self deprecating thing on my own terms, thank you very much.  But I'm not a performing monkey and I won't make you laugh on demand. Yes, my speech for the camera would have gone something like that.

I thought it was totally fucking tasteless that that Cory (Tory?) girl spent her routine ragging on other girls.   I get that it's a competition, but I don't ever get the need to put someone down to make yourself look better.  And the fact that he kept her after that was pretty telling, too. 

Oh God...and Crazy and her skit?!?!  It was a fucking trainwreck.  Despite the fact that I didn't get it.  Dewd.  You have to have some really nice juicy boobs to refer to them as coconuts and she totally missed the boat on that one.

(Ha, they stopped fighting.  It worked.)

The "Afterparty"?!?!  Oh God, oh God, oh God...that kiss between him and Michelle?  It was like watching a lizard try and catch a fly between a crack in the concrete...her tongue was going nowhere.  It was beyond awkward.  I can never spell that damn word.  I mean, what the fuck was she thinking?!?!?  "I really neeed a husband!!!!!!!!!!  I'm ready to get married!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  No, bitch, you need to get tasered to bring you down from your spazz attack.  Can you calm the fuck down already?!?! You're 25.  And desperate.  Ew.

Hahahahhaha, did you hear her when she was on the corner waiting for the cab when she said, "Everybo....Some people said that Jake was the one for me.  I know he was the one for meeeeee!"  I think she was referring to the voices in her head.  Fucking nutjob. 

I mean really, the date with Ella?  Weird.  And it was only cute the first time around when the producers did it with Jason.   I get the need to meet her son and for her son to meet him.  I even get that it was her birthday and what a nice present.  But I think it would have been in the best interest of the kid if they would have waited until she were one of the finalists?  No?  Whatevs.  I was bored.  And I don't like her nose.  And I felt bad for her because her title kept saying "hairstylist" and her hair was struck with humidity and looked atrocious. 

Aaaaaaannnnd, finally, Blue Balls Elizabeth.  Really?!  Really, Elizabeth you freaking asshole?  I totally got what he was saying.  The whole coy thing was so overdone.  And stupid.  And nobody cares about you and your fucking kiss, you fucktard!  If you're going to play the "til I'm the last one standing" card, you better know how to play it right.  That was not playing it right.  Obviously.   Obviously.  Buh-Bye, Flat Ass....

I have no idea who the other girl that got sent home was, but I can't wrap my head around her being a "homemaker".  Huh? 

So there's this girl at work who spends a good amount of time and energy scouring websites for spoilers, and this season is no different.  Don't worry, there will be no spoilers here, but she told me today the ending of it all.  Oh, and she also told me that she's pretty sure she's seen Vienna on a porno.  So for any of you watching pornos, keep a look out.  Hahahaha!  Btw, that's way more than I ever want to know about one of my co-workers.  I'm just sayin'.

So if you want to know, I know. Hahaha.  I see dead people, too, but that's for another blog. ;-) 

I've entered into an inappropriate affair with The Bachelor

Because my goodness does he annoy the hell out of me!  Did you guys see where he was going on a date with that midnight blue shirt, and as he walked up, he unbuttoned not one, but TWO of the buttons?  Dewd.  That shit was only cool if you were John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.  in NINETEEN SEVENTY-SEVEN!  (Yes, I googled the year...I mean really, I was two).

I mean, you're such a fucking boring pill that the hookers you decided to keep would rather bang a cute "staffer", then wait to see what you're all about.  Now that's boring.

I swear, if Chris would have said "entered into an inappropriate affair" one more time, I was going to lose it.  Or start taking shots to get through it.  You know, like the game Roxanne?  Whenever the Police says "Roxanne", you take a shot.  Love that game.  We played it to Beat It in NYC with Kari.  Fun times.

This show is boring me!  I can't take it anymore.  You're dry humping some pretty girl in the pool, then give a rose to some bridal magazine model whose coy girl act is soooooooooo obvious?!  Is it even dry humping if they were in the pool? 

What about the retard who wrote this long asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss letter (on a napkin, no less) in 5th grader writing about how she wasn't going to kiss him because other girls had kissed him?!?!  I mean, seriously?!?!  You're a fucking nanny with a HORRIBLE boob job!!!!!!!!!!  Do you really think we're going to think YOU AREN'T EASY?!?!  And, ya dumb fuck, if you'd seriously considering marrying a guy YOU'VE NEVER KISSED BEFORE, you have more issues than your bad boobs.  And missing ass.  I'm an ass girl.   Did you see her ass in those jeans?!  Me either.  Cause it wasn't there. And she really did say, "In my spare time, I like to write" and then took out her crumpled up napkin and started her monotone reading.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  I really hate monotone reading. 

And don't ask me what being a nanny and bad boobs have to do with being easy.  Because I don't know.  But it feels right to say it.  So I will.

What else?  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ali.  Just love her.  Love her yellow dresses.  Love her dancing to Chicago (what ever happened to Peter Ceterra...wasn't he the lead singer of Chicago??).  And really, she's the best thing there. So,  I hope she runs!  I seriously can't believe what an utter bore Jake is.  I mean, I can.  It isn't a surprise.  But he's the kind of guy that the fact that he is that good looking doesn't even matter because he is so.fucking.boring.  He reminds me of a few guys I've dated.  Briefly.  Hahahaha.  I think it was in high school, and then maybe again right after -- there was this dreamy guy named Carlos.  He was in the Navy (no gay jokes, please) and gorgeous and sooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeet.  And BORING.  To no end.  You know, the kind of guy that you *try* to like with all your might because on paper, you *should* like him, but you just can't stomach the thought.  Yeahp.  I'm sure if I sit here and think about it, I can name a couple more.  Maybe I will.  Another day.

Yes, yes, yes, I married a freaking GOP Gold Card Member who is INFURIATING at every single turn and we disagree on just about everything, but man, I can never say that he's boring.  Or that he isn't damn sexy.  But anyway...

And crazy-psycho-you-will-see-her-soon-on-America's-Most-Wanted-Michelle is still there.  I keep watching this show hoping we aren't on real time.  And by real time, what I mean is that I hope they've been there interacting longer than 2 weeks, because really, what at any point has he said or done that make you sooooooooo in love with him?  Or want him so bad?  Was it when he said "dynamite"?  Barf.  I can't get over that.

He didn't even make a Mile High joke or reference when him and Ali were on the plane!  SO.NOT.SEXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Vienna's energy, but she's a crazy 22 year old party girl from Florida!  T-R-O-U-B-L-E.  And her crosseyed-ness is really hard to get over.  I get a headache when she comes on the screen.

And what about the crazy girl who waited to have sex before marrying her ex husband who cheated on her?  I'm missing why it's such a HUGE deal for her to tell Jake (when he's dating 14 other girls) that she was previously divorced.  Am I wrong?

Ugh.  The hair dresser with the son.  Does anyone else think it's totally fucking weird that she told her son she was going to go try to land Pilot Jake (haha, no pun intended)?  I would be embarrassed to tell my kid that I was going on some reality show to find a husband.  I mean, if I were single, I wouldn't be above going on a reality show, but if I had kids, I'd be embarrassed.  That's all. 

And the saddest thing of all is that I will tune in next week.  What the hell is wrong with me?!

It's 32 degrees

in Miami.   I just walked outside in a tank top and my pajama bottoms to see our outside thermostat.  Holy hell!  Today reminded me so much of my time in New York City.  It was bitter cold, wet and gloomy...in Miami.  It has been drizzling all day long in this eerie Chinese water torture fashion.  The temperature has continued to drop as the day's gone on.  I can't even believe it.  I must have asked Ray three times to tell me again what he'd heard about the polar shifts he came home talking about when Apocalypse first came out.

We had a birthday party to go to in a park and we couldn't stand it.   And I love the cold.   I had a scarf, coat and gloves on.  I still thought my toes were going to fall off.  I kept all my winter clothes but my wool socks must have traveled to the Bermuda Triangle because I can't find any.  Any socks, that is...wool or not.

There was a wind chill advisory in effect.  At 1:00 pm.  I seriously feel like I'm living in an alternate universe.

There was this day in 2000...it was October, right around Halloween.  I had just moved into my own apartment in Astoria, right above some bar with a beautiful brick front, just around the corner from a bunch of Greek bakeries, the fresh pastry smell following me home each day.  I was walking down my block to the market when snow flurries starting coming down.  It was way too early in the season for snow flurries.  I remember the darkness, the clouds, the humidity, the peace.  I remember going home and taking a nap.  When it's cold and you live alone, that's all you can do to pass the time.  While they didn't happen often, those were the days that waiting on the subway platform in Astoria for the N or the R to come through, on their weekend schedule, was out of the question. 

When I got back in the car from the birthday party, I threw off my boots and blasted the heater in an attempt to feel my toes again.  I was instantly thrown back to February 2000...walking around the Theater District and Hell's Kitchen in 5 degree weather.  I had two pairs of socks on, both wool, but the cold was biting through anyway.  Looking for an apartment in Manhattan can be hell.  It must have been the shoes...  I never did understand that sometimes, fashion and function just can't mix.

That 2000/2001 winter was brutal.   It barely snowed but was colder, much, much colder than usual.  There really isn't any point to the cold if you aren't going to be blessed with snow as well.  That pretty sums up what I'm feeling right now. 

Except me and the Kuks got to spend the day cuddling.  And that probably wouldn't have happened if we'd had our normal, sunny and gorgeous 80 degree days.   I'm not complaining.

Do You Love my Deer?

Hahaha...they're kind of freaking me out.  But the colors make me so happy!  Freaking fucking deer eating my flowers!  My niece saw Bambi when she was three and was totally traumatized.  I happen to think Disney movies are just so cruel.  I mean really, poor Simba's dad gets killed?  Freaking Nemo's mom gets eaten alive while she's sleeping?!  And all his little fish egg siblings?!!?!?!  And then he is KIDNAPPED?!?!?!  It's way too much for me to handle. 

It is soooooooooo cold here today! I am LOVING it!  I know, I know, don't laugh...I totally get that some of you are freeeeeezing your asses off, and well, we're not, but it is really, really cold for us.  It was 36 degrees this morning when we woke up.  It was awesome.  The only thing that sucks about it being so cold in Miami is that we are not prepared for it.  You know, we own a couple of sweaters-- max, and everything else is super lightweight.  So we've had one week of cold weather and have no idea what to do.  My husband is miserable.  And I am just stupid.  Because I have at least three fabulous coats I never ever get to wear and the one time I could wear any one of them, they are still hanging in my closet while I am freezing.  Our central heat is broken and we never ever worry about it until, of course, it dips below 40 which is usually a total of two times a year.  We've been using a space heater in our room and when you have four people in one bed, you really don't get that cold anyway.  But I feel like streaking outside I am so excited about this weather!

I just don't know how people with children do it.  We are so used to running around outside all year long that more than a week or two of this would be crazy for me.  Major bouncing off the walls cabin fever would occur.  I get that eternal summers aren't for everyone, but I'll keep them.  Have Summer, Will Travel. :-D

Oh yeah!

That's right, ladies...The Bachelor starts tonight!!  My longstanding run of really bad TV stands! Woo hoooo!

I'm not too happy that it's Jake.  I was really hoping it would be Reid. I was really hoping that I would get an entire season, with two hour long snapshots of Dreamy Reid.  Instead, I get Glittery Pilot Cap Jake.  Not too happy.

Anyway, my absolute favorite blog for the Bachelor is here.  She is so freaking funny and she does liveblogging, which is even funnier. 

Make sure to come back here and tell me what you think.  I'll be Tivoing and watching it as soon as I can get the boys to sleep.  Oh yeah!!

I should tell you

that I've gained four pounds in 2 weeks. 

I should tell you that this morning, I reread an email I had from Valkyrie where we discussed the New Year and eating better and trying out the Atkins, and then in a carbohydrate panic, rushed over and made 4 more mini pancakes for myself from Jonathan's stash.

I should tell you that last night, as I watched Desperate Housewives, I couldn't believe that Really Fat Susan looked like a skinny version of me.

I should tell you that I weigh almost the same now as I do when I was 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my 8lb5oz baby boy.

I should tell you that I can't figure out what has happened, or when I eat, or why I eat, or what I eat that is causing this to be so.  I know it isn't hormonal, because in the hopes that my thyroid all of a sudden gave out, I went to the doctor and got a complete work-up, only to be told I was the healthiest fat person he'd ever seen.

I should tell you that today, I promised myself I would go walking with the boys despite it being virtually impossible because of their yelling and squirming to "walk" along with me, which turns my power walk into carrying a 30lb baby home with me while the neighbors slow down and stare.  And instead, I ate a hamburger from McDonald's.  *barf*

I would tell you all these things, but the problem is, I haven't told myself yet.  I've been getting by on my "pretty face" for a while now, but my newly founded double chin is getting in the way.

As soon as I decide to face the truth, I promise, I'll tell you. 

Reality TV

**This was written on June 24, 2009 and never posted**

I keep thinking about how many blogs must be written about reality TV- the phenomenon, how annoying it is for some, how totally not real it is for others, etc. I can't explain it, and this blog surely isn't going to be about all those things, because I love it.

I really do. I totally believe that there are absolutely *no* ugly people in Laguna Beach, California, and it makes complete sense to me how they would all stay friends and move and live in these ginormous houses and barely work and wear makeup at all kinds of crazy hours without it ever smearing or looking posed. You're probably thinking that was a sarcastic sentence, but really, it wasn't. The only thing that gets me sometimes is how Spencer gets his money. Really, I haven't a clue. But I want to believe all the rest.

My latest guilty pleasure is the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Gahd, I adore those girls!! I wasn't a huge fan of the other Real Housewives...I mean, I watched and all, but not with the same addiction I do New Jersey. For me, a lot of it has to do with seeing complete normalcy in the close relationship the Mansos have and wishing that my children are as happy to be around me when they're becoming adults as Caroline's kids are to be around her and her husband...as my husband is to be around his parents. It's also the normalcy I see in the way Teresa is with her daughters and her husband. So yeah, she goes a little crazy in the shopping department...if I had that kind of money, I would, too. To be quite honest, just last week, I got a little talking to from the hubby letting me know I needed to slow down on the gift giving. He was right, I cut back, but my point is, I understand having the money to spend, and wanting to spend it on nothing other than your children.

It could also be this idea of grandeur. These ladies live large! And not just because of their financial status, but because of their personalities. Teresa is a total ditz, but she just loves the shit out of her husband and girls, with no boundaries. I love that. I get that. I am that.

And the Dina and Lexi scenes? I read in her blog that some people felt she was overbearing. Yeah, I get a little tachycardia whenever Jonathan goes somewhere without me.

For a long time, I thought maybe there was something wrong with being so connected to your children. There's all this talk about remaining your own person when you get married or have kids, and I never really know what that means. From personal experience, I can tell you that you really can't. If you're fighting to "remain your own person", then you can't be fighting to mesh the way a marriage needs to mesh at the same time. You aren't fighting to melt into your children the way a parent needs to to be a good parent. You're doing the exact opposite.

How about the Bachelorette? Hubby really doesn't get that one...

I just don't subscribe to the Gregorian Calendar

...because I've never understood the hoopla surrounding New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.  I know, I know, I'm crazy!!  But I just don't get it.  It's just another day.  I get why people are hopeful about it, but I'm not really sure what changes from 11:59 pm December 31st to 12:01 am January 1st.  And I spend my entire time thinking that there are already places in the world that are already in the "New Year" and other places that have yet to be in the "New Year", and if you own a business then your "fiscal New Year" is really much more important than your December to January New Year, so really, what is this elusive "New Year"?! 

I'm not buying it.  Carson Daly and Dick Clark aren't making any money off of me.

In my most heightened party girl stage, I still wanted to curl up in bed and veg out on New Year's Eve.  I didn't get to do it much then, and somehow, not now either.  Boo!

I get that for some people, it's a point of hope, of renewal, of inspiration.  But that's only if they do something about it.  What's that quote -- something like 'doing the same thing over again and expecting different results is the true definition of insanity'?  Yeah.  That's what comes to mind.

I'd like to think that every new day is a point of hope, of renewal, of inspiration.  I try to remind myself of that.  I've failed pretty miserably at it lately.  But I still have it present in my everyday thoughts so I take it to mean that there is hope for me still. 

You know, I don't know...  I guess if I force myself to think about 2009 and all its faults, which is what I think the "New Year" demands you to do, I'm sure I could.  I definitely can't say it's been an easy year for us, but I can't say it's been a bad year.  I can't say any year I've ever had has been a bad year.  Not because bad things haven't happened, but because it's just part of a larger picture which I have faith in.

Last night, Jonathan asked me how I knew that God loves us and takes care of us.  I'm really bad with all the religion stuff.  I don't know the stories and the reasons why and while sometimes, I want to learn, most times I don't.  I call myself a Catholic because that is what I most subscribe to, but really, at the root of it all, I just think religion -- any religion -- is a way to get to God.  Of all the limited religions I know, there is always a central character who's love and power and strength guides the rest of us mortals. 

I had a really strong phase in my teen years where all I wanted to do was become an attorney and somehow that coincided with the time I questioned religion the most.  While those two worlds of future dreams and religion were colliding, I learned that when you are getting ready for a case, the Plaintiff and Defendant present to the Court a set of "stipulated facts"...things both parties  agree on and do not argue to be true or false.  For instance, in a murder trial, some facts both parties can agree on would be that there was a murder.   The rest is debatable. 

That is how I learned to look at religion.  All religions (even atheists in their denial of God's existence, somehow demand him to be true in my opinion) have one stipulated fact and that is that there is a God.  And He is helping you and loving you and guiding you and all you have to do is let Him in and look for Him.  That is what I hope Jonathan and Bryan understand about God.  That is all I can teach them.  Maybe they'll go to some formal training, such as catholic school or CCD.  Maybe they'll do all that and then decide to convert to Judaism at 20. 

Hahahaha-- waaaay off topic...anyway, I don't subscribe to the Gregorian Calendar.  I'm going to see if I feel more hopeful and inspirational and ready to say "goodbye" to the past year when the Chinese New Year comes along. C'mon, Tiger let's see what you can do!  :)