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Saturday, December 5, 2009

Impulse Shopping

I'm guilty.  Ugh.  I get this sick rush of hormones, and then tachycardia. I just bought the kids' final Christmas present and it was an impulse buy because it wouldn't be on sale for much longer.  But now, here I am wondering if I really wanted to get them *that* one.  Because originally, I wanted to get them the other one, but then today, they saw this one and said it was the one they asked Santa to bring them.  So I got it.  But I secretly wonder if they would have liked the other one better.  I guess if I'm the only one who knows about the other one, then it doesn't much matter.  But oooooh, the pressure!!!  And this, people, is how my mind works when I impulse shop.  It supersucks.

I've been really quiet lately.  Not just on here, but in real life, too, which is not like me.  This family stuff has totally brought me down and it always happens around the holidays.  I look at people who are just overcome with holiday cheer and I love them.  I want them to take me home.  I love to see the energy, the sparkle in their eye, the hop in their step.  But.I.can.not.muster.the.strength.to.fake.a.smile.  If it were up to me, I'd love the holidays.  There isn't anything to dislike about the season of giving.  It seriously makes me euphoric to pick out *the* perfect gift.   And to have reasons to listen to Christmas carols.  I love me some Christmas carols.  Bryan has taken a definitive liking to Little Drummer Boy, which makes me smile.

Bry is having another vomiting bout.   I took him to the specialist in September who said that if he got sick again, I had to take him to get blood work, so I took a pukey kid in the car and drove 20 minutes.  And then was forced to wait in an overcrowded reception area for an hour and change.  Whaddayathink happened?!  C'mon, guess! Guess!!  Yeahp.  Puke.  All over.  And on the way home, too.  My poor baby.  I broke down and cried in front of about 50 total strangers, but man, what I would have done to take that pain away from my baby.

I really try my hardest to look at the bright side of things- to find the good.  There really is always good.  And I don't do this because I'm oh so peppy and optimistic.  Because I'm not.  But I know that if I don't do that, everything will spiral downward from the point that I mentally give up.

So here it is...here's the bright side of spending an entire day with puke all over you, without sleep and doing 6 loads of laundry in 5 hours, while taking your baby to get 6 viles of blood taken out of his already weak body and hearing him yell for you and at you because you were the one holding him down in the hopes of getting some answers...  18 years ago today, my mom kicked me out of the house.  I remembered this at about 3am, as I was wiping puke from Bry's nose.  Normally, this memory would ruin my entire day.  And for about 30 minutes, I let it get a hold of me.  But I remembered what I felt like at 3 am, as I wiped puke from Bry's nose.  And that was that as painful as it was to have your mother give up on you at 15, to be thrown out in the middle of the street with nowhere to go, and to have a stranger and her family take you in until your father decided a month later he should probably come for you, me being there, at 3 am, with my son in arms, taking care of him made today special.  And not because it was the anniversary of some horrible memory forever etched in my heart.  But because today I got to break the cycle. 

Jesus, I'm a total downer!!  Ha ha.  I swear, this was supposed to be about my impulse shopping! :)


3 comments:

AmyBean said...

<3 You're a wonderful mama.

I hope he feels better soon, poor kiddo.

Jodi said...

I'll take you home for Christmas. <3

This post made me cry. ((((HUGS)))) You are right you ARE breaking the cycle. The Bean is right, you are a wonderful mama. When I think of Mama Bear you and Valk are two the first to come to my mind. I know you will get it if I go on and on about my babies good or bad.

Keep us updated on Bry. I don't want that brown-eyed, chunka monk to be hurting at all. Love to you always.

Sheella said...

:( I hope Bry is feeling better now. You are a great mom. (((HUGS)))