Saturday, November 21, 2009

There are some things you can never take back

Like, for instance, hitting the delete button.  I mean, sure, you can always just re-do what you've deleted, but it doesn't take away the fact that you deleted in the first place.

There are people that I want to get rid of in my life...on Facebook, at work, in my personal life.  Facebook is sort of hit delete and *poof*! they're gone.  But not really.  Deleting doesn't mean they never existed. 

It's the same when you say can say you're sorry, you can pretend the other person didn't hear, but it's out there...the words seem to linger in the Universe until the other person hears them.  That happened today on the phone.  The person on the other end said, "So, are you going to the wedding?".  And the words seemed to take forever to get to me.   When she realized I didn't know about the wedding, or the engagement for that matter, I'm sure she wished she could take those words back.  And she tried.   I will not acknowledge having heard them, but that doesn't mean they didn't happen.

Which brings me to the delete button.  If my own sister can't tell me that she's a) engaged and b) getting married in two months, then she's worthy of the delete button.  I've never been particularly close to my sister.  I blame that partly on different personalities and partly on our upbringing.  If my parents never emphasized the need for us to remain close, to stay together, to have each other's backs, then as adults, we just didn't know to do so. I guess.  For a while, I coughed it up to the old "you don't choose your family" thing, but that isn't good enough for me anymore.  I see my own boys interact and I tell them at the turn of every argument, of every disagreement--  at the end of the day, you two are brothers, and there isn't anything more important than a sibling.  One day, I won't be here, and you will only have each other.

So as I sit here contemplating the delete button, in real life and just on Facebook, I realize that we will probably talk again and while I can always "add" her back in my life, the fact that *this* is happening now will never not be the case.

My husband will tell me that she is family, and no matter what, you forgive family.  My heart hurts not because I didn't know, but more because of the lack of a sisterhood that is obvious and magnified by me not knowing.  She's my second born's Godmother, and we see her 2-3 times a year.  She lives twenty minutes away and we see her 2-3 times a year.  She is my "friend" on Facebook, and we hear from her 2-3 times a year.  I know she's in her corner saying it works both ways, and she's right, it does.  But there are very few times when there is a desire to form that sisterhood.

I'll leave the blog about the Co-conspirator, my mother, to another day.  Right now, I need to go clean up my friends' list. 


Anonymous said...

family drama. *heavy sigh* I feel for you, really I do. I have 5 sisters...ugh. I have different relationships with each one too. Wish I could help Andrea. {{{HUGS}}}

Valkyrie said...

Your relationship with your sister sounds a lot like my relationship with my sister. But I am actively hostile toward my sister in my feelings. Not in my actions. But only because my actions don't exist. I have no interest in her, I wish I could make her disappear with a delete button because I resent feeling obligated to carry on a relationship with her, no matter how tenuous.

Kari said...

Wow Andrea, I knew about the lack of close relationship but to get married without inviting you? That is just wrong. In the end, family is family but I think she is going to regret this.

AmyBean said...

I didn't see this blog before. *hugs* I don't know what to say though. I understand your feelings, all of them.

Jodi said...

How the heckity-do did I miss this? I'm so, so sorry about this. You know how I am with Jenny but I think it's because my mom raised us like you are raising your boys. We fought like cats but (like you said) at the end of the day we always had each other. Just like Jon-Jon and Bry will have each other.


This whole post made me feel sad for you. I think you would be the best sister, it's too bad she doesn't see that. :*(

Sheella said...

(((HUGS)))I don't know what to say. I only speak to one of my brothers and I actively refuse to acknowledge that the other five exist. It really sucks that you have to go through this. :(