Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I want to be a snowboarder

I really do. I used to want to be a figure skater, but not anymore. Now I just want to snowboard.

Realizations like this make me remember that as girly girl as I may want to be, the Gemini in me-- and all its masculinity -- will never let that happen. Yup. I want to be a snowboarder. Never mind my inability to balance or the fact that I'm geographically challenged.

I used to pride myself in my need... my insatiable desire to reinvent myself in the blink of an eye. But now I'm older and the things I never thought would seep in have. Fear. Fear and responsibility. It's not that easy or practical or very admirable to drop everything you know and go on a whimsical limb because it'll make you feel good when you're 34 and a mother of 2. Nope, not very admirable at all.

As boring as it is, I really have spent the last 5 years reinventing myself. Old friends must look at me and think, "Wow!  How'd that happen?".  I'm a wife and a mom and I finally have a career and I sometimes remember that I can't pig out at my favorite sushi spot because I have diapers to buy.  I no longer have a Friday Night Drinking Fund, even if I do still keep my kids' college fund money in a Chivas Regal bottle.   I remember that slamming doors and walking out and disappearing for days on end isn't cute or tough or adventurous anymore. Hmmm, but snowboarding is. Yeah, I really want to be a snowboarder.

It's hard to go from being a One Man Show to answering to someone. It's hard to think about someone's needs above yours all the time. It's even harder when you have to multiply that by 3.  Hard doesn't mean I'd rather be doing something else.  Hard doesn't mean I'm not where I want to be every day. 

For me, the difficulty of it all fails in comparison to its lack of luster.   For a commitment phobe like me, there's nothing scintillating about commitment -- to myself or others.

I've never been into sports. I'm not a gambler.  Never been a cheater.  Am not impressed by rollercoasters.  I never got into drugs.  I don't even like scary movies. But in my own bizarre and very real way, I am an adrenalin junkie.

You know, this was just about me wanting to be a snowboarder. But then I saw Bob Costas and I figure, if he can get on TV with that really bad dye job and carry on with a straight face, I can surely find a way to continue my necessary reinvention while cultivating a purposeful, sparkly and scary one.

I'm pretty sure I can learn how to snowboard, regardless of fear and responsibility.  Geography has never been my strong suit anyway.


AmyBean said...

I think there's something exciting about commitment, when it's to the right person/cause/whatever. How freeing to know that you can be exactly who you are, and there will always be that one person there, cheering you on and wanting you to succeed! :) But I totally agree that it is HARD to go from being your own boss to then having to fulfill the needs of other people, especially when two of those people are little people who have nothing to go on but their instinct and need. Husbands at least can be patient or leave you alone when you're having a bad day. Kids don't.

I don't think it's boring to reinvent yourself, even in the way that you have done. I think that's part of growing up. It would be more boring if you were trying to be the same person you were 5 years ago, even though you're in a new situation. You are the last person I would ever think of as boring. A 16-year-old might think it's boring to have a family and a career, but 16-year-olds are just babies. They don't know what life is really about.

I'm totally rambling, sorry. It's early and I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night, so if this makes no sense, you'll have to forgive me. :)

Little Miss Me said...

yes, yes, yes. I am really proud of my latest reinvention. Not at all something I wish I wasn't doing. But independently of my new role as an integral part of a family, personal reinvention is what I've slacked on. The realization of that is only heightened by my commitment fears, because to people like me commitment equals co-dependency and lack of individuality. Not because I'm right, just because I'm dysfunctional. hahahaha!

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be deep and meaningful. I really just want to snowboard. I don't know where the other stuff came from. Probably my need to act like I'm deep and meaningful. muahaha!

Valkyrie said...

I wouldn't even know where to start on the awesomeness of this blog. You are very deep.

I'm a commitment phobe too. I feel so much kinship with you on so many levels.

I would love to see you snowboard. Hahahaaha Geographically challenged is right! I wish I could take you to Tahoe and have T-bone teach you how to snowboard.