Dear Jodi,
I wonder if you know that I feel so lucky to have you in my life. I was just thinking about that today when I was making dinner. This whole distance thing really blows. Who do you think we were in past lives that we're able to call each other "friends" without having ever seen each other's faces?
When I read your comment, half asleep at 8pm EST in bed, my immediate thought was, "WAIT, WHAT?!? Why the fuck didn't you SAY Pantley's book was the answer to all my prayers?!?!?!" Sadly, I am not kidding.
You see, I'm not that "excellent" mom who just roughs out a phase or who puts her life aside to go to bed at 8pm for the last 5 years. I mean, at least I don't do those things cause I'm "excellent"...I do them cause I'm clueless. And hopeful. Really, I do hope that eventually, one day soon (preferably), Bryan will let me leave his side for a moment without waking up in complete and utter disarray. Or wake up without crying hysterically if I happen to be in the shower instead of by his side. You know, because setting my alarm for 5:15am every morning so that I miss his light sleep stage which doesn't happen again until 5:45am is not fun. Taking a shower all nervous thinking I'm hearing yells from the other side of the door is not fun. But still, I remain hopeful. More than anything, because the alternative is not something I think could work and I haven't reached my wits' end yet, but definitely not because I am an excellent mom.
Honestly, I think that excellent mom is the one who is so in tune with her baby that she sees the baby is ready for a change and tries it out, not being stuck on any one decision. That's the mom I know you are. And the excellent mom is you for having found what is clearly working in a very real and positive way for both you AND Katherine. That speaks volumes. That's what the excellent mom does.
Anyway, I just wanted to clarify my position. I do recommend cosleeping. I can't imagine my life any other way. I do believe wholeheartedly that babies younger than 18 mos are very rarely ready to make the transition from out of the family bed and into their own. I believe it because of research I've done and read, but mostly because of my own heart strings which tug and pull at the mere thought of my babies not wanting to sleep with me. But even more than that, I believe in YOU and loving, caring souls I'm blessed enough to call my friends like you who make different decisions and I respect and believe in their decisions for them and their kids. I know you know it wasn't directed at you, but I am sorry if any of it sounded judgmental because it really wasn't meant to be that way at all and really isn't how I feel.
As for Pantley, have I ever told you I am so freaking stubborn that I have no problem shooting off my leg to save my foot?? My problem with her is that she advocates her method (which I admit to not knowing much about because of the following premise alone) with babies as young as four months, and I take real issue with that as I'm pretty sure you do, too. So because of that, even if she is the answer to all my prayers, I won't read her.
I love you very much, Jodester, and it is mothers like you who inspire me to be a better mom every day.
7 comments:
Aw man!!!! That totally has me in tears! Thank you. I do think we were friends in a past life, no doubt. I think we were married or maybe even married to brothers.
The shower thing CRACKED ME UP! I have done the same thing and I know that when I start to feel real resentment about that, then it is time to think about a change. I honestly wanted to make it until Katherine was 18 months but we just couldn't do it. And be the lack of any real struggle, I do think it was the best for her. Like I said I would have co-slept until she went into the dorms! The interesting thing to me about Pantley's book is that she started researching it when her youngest was 18 months old and just wanted him to sleep for longer than 45 minute stretches in her bed. I kinda skimmed over that part because it didn't apply to us. Anyway, she has a huge portion in her book that is dedicated to keeping the baby in the family bed but just getting them to go to sleep independently and go for longer periods without waking.
I think one of the greatest things about co-sleeping is that it makes them kind of adaptable. Or at least it did my girls. Josie can sleep almost anywhere as long as James and I are near. Or my mom or sister even.
And I will hold on to those early morning snuggles when I bring Katherine back to our bed to nurse and Josie stumbles in all sleepy-eyed and precious. And then they both jump and crawl all over the both of us and we pretend to be annoyed but we both know that this glorious stage won't go on forever. So we soak it up and marvel at them.
Thank you again, dear friend.
Love you!
J
<3<3<3
You and I have talked about the Pantley method before. I get what you're saying about how it's not cool to advocate sleep training for a baby as young as 4 months. BUT, most parents don't think like us, and they want their baby sleeping better at a young age, so I would rather hand them Pantley's book any day instead of them letting their baby CIO, or getting the Ezzo book. Pantley didn't use it for her own kids that young, and she says so in the book. But she has to allow some leeway -- I think that by saying you can use her method at 4 months, she's actually protecting those babies, because the parents who are looking to sleep train at 4 months are the parents who are about ready to use CIO.
Anyway, your babies aren't that young, so I think it's ok to use that method with them if you want to. Don't be stubborn and boycott the whole thing because you don't agree with people who want to sleep train their infants. :) I'm totally with you on not wanting parents to use this book with kids that young, but like I said, I'd rather hand them NCSS than Babywise, and a lot of parents are going that route because they don't know what else to do.
I had more to say, but I forgot and my timer's going off so I have to go clean my kitchen. I might be back later.
Oh, no, I wouldn't use Pantley ever. I don't agree with her premise at all and while I complain about all those things (going to sleep when my kids do, not being able to get out of bed or he wakes up, no showers without fear of Bryan waking up), I don't want them out of my bed. And the only time it inconveniences me is when I'm hell bent on putting my own needs before theirs. I do that a lot during the day, so foresaking my nighttime selfishness is ok with me.
For me personally, I think that Bryan needs me to meet his needs at night because that's really the only time he gets me to himself. Or who knows why. But I am confident he will grow out of it, just as Jonathan did a few years ago. In my experience, a lot of their behaviors are tied with nursing patterns. So, in order to break the patterns, I'd have to break the nighttime nursing patterns and that's not something I'm ready to do. If he had other opportunities to nurse throughout the day, then maybe it wouldn't be a big deal, but as big as he may be to outsiders, he's still my "baby" and I can't imagine not having a baby to nurse and coddle.
So for me, Pantley can SUCK IT! Honestly, I wouldn't ever recommend her to others either. Jay Gordon has a very good method he outlines in his co-sleeping book and that would be my first recommendation. It may say exactly the same thing she does, but the fact that her name is not on it makes all the difference.
Jode, you are so right about adaptability. My boys could care less *where* they are sleeping as long as it's with me next to them. You're blessed with girls so you probably don't think about it as much as I do, but you know, they won't be my boys forever and I take full advantage and enjoy every second of their current dependency, even if it does drive me a little batty sometimes. I think I'm entitled to a little emotional pitty party now and then, huh? ;-)
I think if I had your boys I would never let them stop co-sleeping. I wonder if gender plays much of a role?
There are times still when I feel like some kind of a co-sleeping traitor. Or like I cannot call myself a co-sleeper because I didn't put in 2 or 3 or more years. Almost like when you're talking about nursing with another mom and they claim to have nursed their baby. Only when you ask for how long they reply, "Three months!" To me I don't really call that a nursing relationship. (Am I opening a can of worms here?) Sure three months is better than two which is better than 2 weeks, but still.
And the working part makes total sense to me and I honestly and truly believe that things would be different if I worked. My sister was the same way with her little boy. She just felt like she wanted and he needed for her to be available to him all night since she worked all day. And it had nothing to do with guilt or anything, it was just what made sense to her and worked for them.
The saddest part about ending our co-sleeping days is feeling a door to infancy is truly closed. It's like crawling and then walking....just one step closer to growing up and not needing me as much anymore. There's a quote from a song I like that talks about being a parent and it says,
"Let 'em laugh, let 'em giggle, let them sleep in the middle.....Just let them be little."
I feel like I keep trying to unnecessarily defend myself, lol! You aren't making me feel bad, it must be due to my own guilt about it.
I think it is just what made the most sense to us as a family. Shit, to try and get her to take a nap during the day, I was starting to walk her around and shush her like a newborn again. At 13 months old! And I seriously feared for my own effing sanity. That kind of a mama is no good for anyone, ya know?
See? there I go again trying to defend myself or convince you of something!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!
Please don't hate me and think I'm a shithole mama for evicting my baby!
Just kidding.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent and stuff!
<3<3<3<3
I think if I had your boys I would never let them stop co-sleeping. I wonder if gender plays much of a role?
There are times still when I feel like some kind of a co-sleeping traitor. Or like I cannot call myself a co-sleeper because I didn't put in 2 or 3 or more years. Almost like when you're talking about nursing with another mom and they claim to have nursed their baby. Only when you ask for how long they reply, "Three months!" To me I don't really call that a nursing relationship. (Am I opening a can of worms here?) Sure three months is better than two which is better than 2 weeks, but still.
And the working part makes total sense to me and I honestly and truly believe that things would be different if I worked. My sister was the same way with her little boy. She just felt like she wanted and he needed for her to be available to him all night since she worked all day. And it had nothing to do with guilt or anything, it was just what made sense to her and worked for them.
The saddest part about ending our co-sleeping days is feeling a door to infancy is truly closed. It's like crawling and then walking....just one step closer to growing up and not needing me as much anymore. There's a quote from a song I like that talks about being a parent and it says,
"Let 'em laugh, let 'em giggle, let them sleep in the middle.....Just let them be little."
I feel like I keep trying to unnecessarily defend myself, lol! You aren't making me feel bad, it must be due to my own guilt about it.
I think it is just what made the most sense to us as a family. Shit, to try and get her to take a nap during the day, I was starting to walk her around and shush her like a newborn again. At 13 months old! And I seriously feared for my own effing sanity. That kind of a mama is no good for anyone, ya know?
See? there I go again trying to defend myself or convince you of something!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!
Please don't hate me and think I'm a shithole mama for evicting my baby!
Just kidding.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent and stuff!
<3<3<3<3
Eff! Sorry about the double post. :/
you crack me up, Jodi!!! You better know you don't have anything to defend yourself from!!!
It was like when I nightweaned Jonathan. There are people in my office who think it is an abomination that I night weaned him at 21 months. But you know, were they pregnant? Was their kid waking up every freaking 40 minutes while their momma got NO sleep because his dry nursing during pregnancy was like bringing razors to her nips? Were there other mommas out there who had done the same thing and would never describe it as I had?
But it was the best thing that worked for us. And you know why I knew it was the right step to take? Because when I tried it at 21 months (versus the first time I tried at 18), he was ready. There was no crying involved. There was no distress. There was a 2 second protest and then he was knocked out and the rest is history.
I'm pretty sure your journey went the same way.
The one thing you said to me that really sticks out and makes me want to hug you is "our bed is never closed to our babies". That really says so much about your ability to let them grow while understanding their occasional need to come back to home base for reassurance. And because of that, I think it's safe to say you are a co-sleeper for life (so Pantley can suck it! hahahaha- my disdain for her is completely related to the debate she had with an LC in my office and nothing more).
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