I really do. I used to want to be a figure skater, but not anymore. Now I just want to snowboard.
Realizations like this make me remember that as girly girl as I may want to be, the Gemini in me-- and all its masculinity -- will never let that happen. Yup. I want to be a snowboarder. Never mind my inability to balance or the fact that I'm geographically challenged.
I used to pride myself in my ability...my need... my insatiable desire to reinvent myself in the blink of an eye. But now I'm older and the things I never thought would seep in have. Fear. Fear and responsibility. It's not that easy or practical or very admirable to drop everything you know and go on a whimsical limb because it'll make you feel good when you're 34 and a mother of 2. Nope, not very admirable at all.
As boring as it is, I really have spent the last 5 years reinventing myself. Old friends must look at me and think, "Wow! How'd that happen?". I'm a wife and a mom and I finally have a career and I sometimes remember that I can't pig out at my favorite sushi spot because I have diapers to buy. I no longer have a Friday Night Drinking Fund, even if I do still keep my kids' college fund money in a Chivas Regal bottle. I remember that slamming doors and walking out and disappearing for days on end isn't cute or tough or adventurous anymore. Hmmm, but snowboarding is. Yeah, I really want to be a snowboarder.
It's hard to go from being a One Man Show to answering to someone. It's hard to think about someone's needs above yours all the time. It's even harder when you have to multiply that by 3. Hard doesn't mean I'd rather be doing something else. Hard doesn't mean I'm not where I want to be every day.
For me, the difficulty of it all fails in comparison to its lack of luster. For a commitment phobe like me, there's nothing scintillating about commitment -- to myself or others.
I've never been into sports. I'm not a gambler. Never been a cheater. Am not impressed by rollercoasters. I never got into drugs. I don't even like scary movies. But in my own bizarre and very real way, I am an adrenalin junkie.
You know, this was just about me wanting to be a snowboarder. But then I saw Bob Costas and I figure, if he can get on TV with that really bad dye job and carry on with a straight face, I can surely find a way to continue my necessary reinvention while cultivating a purposeful, sparkly and scary one.
I'm pretty sure I can learn how to snowboard, regardless of fear and responsibility. Geography has never been my strong suit anyway.
